Elysian
AU's Literary Magazine
Volume 3, Issue 1
Short Poems
EARTHLY CONNECTIONS
Andrea Navarro
The earth runs deep within me
Like a tree
It’s roots spread throughout my body
Connecting me to sensations
Of past lives I know too well
Pain & pleasure so immense
They cannot be my own
I know I’ve felt this all before
An old darkness sleeps within me
Waiting anxiously to be undone
I am not alone in my pain
Loneliness is a illusion
Because like a tree
Our roots connect to everything else
GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
Andria Lumley
Without a single hesitation
My mother passed down centuries of
Pain from our family’s bloodline to me
As if this life she handed me was ordinary and
Only a fool would question it
I am the last mother in our family’s history of
Mother after mother, after mother, after mother
Crippling their lineage I came out of the womb a fighter
Gifted with a fierce intuitive rebellious spirit
Day by day, I am repairing our ancestry
Blazing a trail with my heart instead of bruise marks
KARMA
Andrea Navarro
Karma is a bitch
But so was I
Which is why I pay the price
Darkness plagues my mind
Guilt and restlessness
I alone face myself
Karma is me
HEALING
Andria Lumley
By opening each scar and examining the pain, there is a new version of you to gain.
So true and pure, ready to explore, let the wounds open their doors.
Breakthrough oppression allowing the soul to weep its expression.
Do not allow the mind to get too entwined.
Let your authentic self heal the darkest parts.
Fill it all in with love and beauty to finally become sturdy.
Now, do you see?
You hold the key to set yourself free.
ODE TO HER
Angie Lopez
Behind the aftermath of love and war,
There was love again, she took the form
Of a speckled perennial, the type
That blooms to the smell of sweetened wet soil
And citrusy sunrises peeling away at forgotten suns
She took the place of love songs
Baby’s breath
Soft and simple preaching a collective garland of faith
That even in death I hope to wear
She only needs one feathered brow to squint at boys
A miracle of mine that she has two
For in her presence, she becomes the oracle, judge, and executioner
No boy will take her sister away
Without losing a finger or two.
HELADO DERRETIDO
Angie Lopez
Ring, ring, ring
Helados se vende helados
tenemos fresa, chicle, aguacate,
tenemos sandía y uva
Ring, ring
There it is again; you’ve been saving the quarter in your pocket for this very moment
you run and find the small white cart
the exchange goes by smoothly
you nod and smile, you’ll see him here again tomorrow
but now there is that aguacate pop
soft and creamy you try to savor it but it’s 11 am and the sun will show you no mercy
it’s gone in all its green glory
leaving you a green sticky mess
you grieve your loss as Mami helps you wash your hands
you flick your tongue trying to find any remnants between your teeth
carefully examining your molars and canines
there’s nothing
but in that dark moment there is light again
Ring ring granizados se vende granizados
there is order in the world once more
ARE WE WARMER NOW
Angie Lopez
Are we warmer now?
Then we were before?
With the smoke in our lungs
And ashes in our hair
Dead suns on a distant sky
Gravity pushing us to wet grass
Are we warmer now?
Then yesterday
Moonlight baths
And sun kissed roofs
Flowers in your hair
Wish I played there
I let myself burn up
You breathed and I rose
We liked how I glowed
Will midday logs and shooting stars
Defy our odds at holding on
Still gravity pushed us down dead
Just passed
Yesterday
LEARNING REMOTELY
Ashley Sanders
There are good days:
When breakout rooms randomly assign me with
My best friends and people who have
become my friends.
There are bad days:
When I leave and everything stops.
I’m in my (class) room --
Alone.
There are days where
I’m so absorbed in the discussion
And I’m present in the moment,
As if nothing was different.
Some days I feel as if
We’ll never go back.
Hope depletes, and anxiety wins.
Most days, I remind myself
How that is not the case.
Every day,
I am learning (remotely):
Take a deep breath when the internet crashes,
Laugh at the supposedly unshareable screen,
Relax if the meeting starts a few seconds late,
Enjoy furry friends becoming classmates,
Make a game to track changing backgrounds,
Simply finding and indulging in the little joys.
It’s not an ideal situation, but
It’s the best we have.
One day,
Conversations will begin,
“Remember that time on Zoom when...?”
TINY FACES ON A SCREEN
Ashley Sanders
Tiny faces on a screen
I want to reach out and
Hold them all close to me.
I want to feel their warmth
And hear the passionate words that leave their lips.
I ache to see their body language, and
I ache at the loss of all the unsaid conversations.
Silence speaks volumes, but
There is no volume when all are muted.
I yearn to see Malia’s new coffee cup,
Hanna’s well-crafted eyebrows,
Vanessa’s colorful pins and hand-written notes.
None of this exists through a screen.
I need detail,
but the screens are small and blurry.
My senses are reckless and impatient
Because they are deprived.
One month turned into summer,
Turned into Fall semester,
Threatening the Spring.
I’m stuck behind a laptop;
Its screen is swallowing me whole.
ZOOM
Ashley Sanders
I cannot linger.
There are no rustling papers.
There are no shifting backpacks.
Coats are not reached for, and
Conversations never restart,
Because they never begin.
When I hit “leave meeting,”
That’s it.
It’s a black hole taking everything that
Should have been and could have been.
Gone into nothingness.
Gone into extinction.
What I admired and appreciated and thrived upon.
What gave me
life Is no longer there.
I’m on a new diet:
A Zoom diet.
I do not like the taste of it,
but
It will lead me
Back to where I wish and hope to be again.
One day soon.
WOUNDED
Glendy Aponte
Emotionally wounded,
Socially debilitated
Again and again, endlessly reprimanded.
I remember how it started,
And I don’t know when it will end
I’ll give anything to reset it again.
It follows, unannounced.
Desolation, weigh me down.
How to negotiate,
How to redraft the storyline,
How to carry on in any place.
My creativity,
My fervent fire
Those things — all around —have stopped.
It sneaks up,
The battle in my mind
And the rebellion in my soul
Are now my home.
For obligations, I stand up.
A façade.
A strong disguise.
An unsatisfactory, psychological state.
Mami, are you happy?
In this moment, what is left of me,
It's behind me, things were different then.
He stares, brightly with an unequivocal eye,
Loudly utters, Te Quiero Mami.
For you, my firstborn has no error!
Through loss and gain
Coiled like a wire.
UNLOCK SOMETHING
Glendy Aponte
In the midst of the solitude
My entire desire to do so, aches
Positioned in disposition
To surrender and welcome – amor
That amor I seem to not be able to bear
The vision, the process
Compelling Imbued with meaning
Endless possibilities and implications
Naturally intuitively
Intentional, obscure
Intended or not
Rare to agree to take
I don’t want to be understood
I want to be experienced
Unlock something
QUARANTINE
Hamide Azizi
I’ve had the time to do whatever my heart desired, moments I could only dream for
Sleeping in,
Eating whenever I pleased,
Taking my time to do my school assignments
In my whole school career, I could only fathom a break from life to take time for myself
Oh, what a life!
To be able to focus on myself and only myself
To be subjected to learning the ins and outs of Hamide Azizi in ways I couldn’t imagine possible
To be able to spend time with my busy family, which of whom I could never before
This was going to be amazing!
…
Until a week went by-
Motionless, is what the world became
Seconds become minutes which turned into hours which meshed together to make days
Day after day the same routine: wake up, play my phone, sleep
Wake up, watch TV, sleep
Wake up. Stare at my ceiling. Sleep
I would sit in my room watching the cars pass by
“Where could you possibly be going? Please, take me with”
Moments I dreamed for, quickly formed into my a nightmare
Who knew I needed school to keep a schedule?
I wait for something to happen.
Something, anything.
Please, God! Give me something to do! I’ve lost the motivation I once had, only to be replaced with a hollow version of what I used to be
“Google Classroom: new assignment due tomorrow!”
Anything but that. Homework, something I used to enjoy doing, has turned into a hassle.
A hassle I fear may follow me as I continue college.
With the future I dreamed of approaching, I can’t think much of it, the thought of what could have been hurts too much to think about
Week after week
Month after month, I’m left with my own thoughts, my own feelings of what’s to come
As I lay awake in my room, I hear the clock ticking on my wall
Tick, tick, tick...
Time is moving, but the world around me is frozen
WORTH
Hope King
“See yourself how God sees you”
I’ve heard it all before
“You’re a child of God; don’t try for more.”
But it all meant nothing as I bawled on the floor.
Lies had already been turned into truth.
As their toxic words stung like vermouth
“Too much”, “Too sensitive”, “Not enough”.
But then I confronted the lies and called their bluff.
It took years of work and lots of pain,
But I finally found who I was in Christ Jesus’ name.
I stand here stronger than what I was before.
Hoping that my story inspires more.
No one can convince you of your true worth,
Except the Father, who also created the Heavens and earth.
LISTEN
Jada Golden
Listen.
The smile stretches across her face as if
Whistling winds were humming a familiar tune.
Can you hear it?
Leaning into the air and closing his eyes
As if he would hear the same as she was.
I do not hear anything.
Then you are not listening.
He sighs at her foolishness,
But again repeat his actions and wait a while longer.
Nothing.
The smile fades from her freckled face he adored.
I will let you know once I hear it.
Given a nod, she continues to listen.
Thank you.
Her eyes closed, mesmerized by music;
However His eyes open, bewitched by beauty.
OVER THE EDGE
Jada Golden
The nails that flew out of your mouth
Sank deeper within my skin,
Without making a mess
Of what was left
Inside of
Me.
It
Was only
A matter of time,
Until the bubbling of my
Strength finally overcame by
The single use of that pejorative name.
Time’s
Up.
I begin individually taking out your words from my skin.
Without hesitation,
Throwing them back at you with an enormous amount of force.
YOUR TRAVELS
Jessica Jones
And in your travels, I hope you find
forgotten peace to a haunted mind,
May your fears and doubts be no more,
washed away by the crashing shore.
The crystal water and emerald lands
wash over worries within the sand.
Clouds in the sky so pure and bold
mirror the freedom within your soul.
Anxiety gone, your mind now at peace
On you go, a new adventure to seek.
In your travels I hope you find
adventure, peace, and yourself in time.
PAREIDOLIA
Joey Ruddy
I awake in medias res
Always
I am walking the dog
And it’s raining
The sun’s out though.
Light is falling through the trees that line the gravel path
I look down
Gaze at a puddle’s reflection
In it the surface of the sun becomes
Human
Emerging, like a face from behind a black curtain
A triangle of light
Becomes a shimmering pyramid
I awake, sweating.
I can hear the laundry machine still whirring
I can smell pork, still roasting in the crock-pot
The lights are still on
I see that outside the window,
It’s now dark.
I look at my phone,
Still no response
The knot in my chest reclaims me, leaves me
Grasping
Wish I could return to dreams.
Wish I could escape this endlessness.
FLEETING
Nicholas Richard-Thompson
fleeting temporal sequence
ecstasy from brief encounters budding summer marigolds
explorations through catacombs and mountain tops
investigating avian life and fallen trees
watching rivers rush whilst
conversing nihilism and shadow people(s)
midsummers at beaches suspended on land—
where selves cease to exist
clouds forming dialogues
traverse bustling landscapes
late arrivals turned a new adventure
fruits of the harvest, exchange of perspective
weaving new conclusions
summer of the ephemeral encounter
a transient candied climax
a tryst to be treasured and reflected with
a beaming grin
A DROWNING
Zach Ramsdell
Lost at sea in waves
billowing cloud white,
holding delicately the
blood red flower petals
of her hair between
calloused fingers,
so often have
they been pricked
where thorns abound,
he lets himself again
be taken by the current.
BLUE
Zach Ramsdell
You can’t hide
behind your eyes.
Everything you
bury floats to
the surface of
their deep ocean
blue, waves of
truth washing
ashore amidst
a storm within.
And as lightning
reveals the
hidden topography
of earth beneath
its blinding strike,
so too will the
truths buried
inside your
blue be revealed
in the light.
Volume 3, Issue 1
Long Poems
BE ALRIGHT
Amanda Maude Miner
They tell you that you’re crazy,
That you don’t know what you’re saying.
Don’t you know they’re just playing?
Playing with your good ole heart?
Cause their lives are falling apart.
They got nothing better to do.
You’re so genuine and kind,
Your future won’t be hard to find.
If you can be true to you,
And count your blessings through the day,
And all through the night,
Everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright, be alright.
There’s no need to
Be uptight, be uptight, be uptight,
When you got a bright day today,
And a brighter tomorrow.
You just keep on smiling,
Let you dreams take flight,
And everything will be alright, be alright.
They tell you you’re a no one,
That you’ll never be a someone.
Don’t you know they just envy
That you have gone the distance?
They don’t know about persistence.
They can’t seem to better themselves.
You’re so talented and smart,
Soon enough you’ll have a fresh start.
If you can hold your chin high,
Look up to the sky and see,
The sun and all its light,
Everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright, be alright.
There’s no need to
Be uptight, be uptight, be uptight,
When you got a bright day today,
And a brighter tomorrow.
You just keep on smiling,
Let your dreams take flight,
And everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright,
Everything will be alright don’t you know
The distant star will start to show,
Begin to glow,
And away you’ll go?
But there’ll be smiles and there’ll be laughter,
There’ll be trials and there’ll be tears.
Before happily ever after
You must face your worst fears.
If you keep fighting the fight,
Everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright, be alright.
There’s no need to
Be uptight, be uptight, be uptight,
When you got a bright day today,
And a brighter tomorrow.
You just keep on smiling,
Let your dreams take flight,
And everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright, be alright.
There’s no need to
Be uptight, be uptight, be uptight,
When you got a bright day today,
And a brighter tomorrow.
You just keep on smiling,
Let your dreams take flight,
And everything will be alright.
Be alright, be alright,
Be alright, be alright.
I WILL RISE (UNTIL I GET A RUNNER'S HIGH)
Amanda Maude Miner
You can knock me down,
You can pin me to the ground.
Big Boy, don’t you know
That’s all you can do?
I can put those sneakers on my feet,
And from the depths of despair,
I will rise.
I will rise,
I will rise,
Until I get a Runner’s High,
I will rise.
I will run every day
To make the sadness go away.
I will rise.
You say I am ‘hot’,
That my ‘body’s beautiful’.
Big Boy, that’s not why
I do what I do.
I do it to get you off my mind.
From the darkness of your wrath,
I will rise.
I will rise,
I will rise,
Until I get a Runner’s High,
I will rise.
I will run every day
To make all the shame all go away.
I will rise.
You think that you can
Control everything I do.
Big Boy, you are not
The king of my soul.
I’m the one who knows my every goal.
With a vision and a dream,
I will rise.
I will rise,
I will rise,
Until I get a Runner’s High,
I will rise.
I will run every day Until my ambition comes alive. I will rise.
Big Boy, don’t use food
To escape reality.
Sitting down will do
You more harm than good.
If you put those sneakers on your feet,
You will experience
A Runner’s High.
Runner’s High,
Runner’s High,
With a bout of exercise,
You will rise.
If you run every day,
The thought of me will go away.
You will rise.
When we meet again,
You can look me in the eye,
And say, ‘cause of you,
I got Runner’s High,
And the benefits you can’t deny.
If we start to exercise,
We will rise.’
‘We will rise,
We will rise,
If we all can exercise
We will rise.
If we run every day,
The negative will pass away,
We will rise.’
BEDTIME ROUTINE
Ashley Sanders
I.
I turn the lights on
And close the door.
Pluck my toothbrush
From the cup.
I twist off the toothpaste cap
And layer the frosting onto the cake.
The faucet waterfalls, and
My toothbrush takes a dip.
It enter my mouth,
Gliding over and scrubbing my teeth.
I count backwards from 120
120, 119, 118…
… 3, 2, 1
I spit the foam into the sink
And return the plastic with bristles to its cup.
I swish around green mint
And it soon joins the foam.
The waterfall resumes rinsing the sink,
But it shuts off soon after
I pump soap onto my hands
And scrub away at the bacteria.
I dry my hands with a fluffy towel.
The door opens And the lights turn off.
II.
I roll back my comforter
And layer it with a fuzzy blanket.
I fluff the pillows
And slide the light switch down.
My feet shuffle back to bed,
And I cocoon under the covers.
Arms free, I hold my phone
For my eyes to scan and fingers to scroll.
I glide my thumb across the screen:
My alarm is set.
My eyes close, but begin to dance
The darker the night becomes.
GLASS WINGS
Dana Drier
All the sudden,
I was at my friend Kaiti’s house
about to spend the night.
I don’t remember how I got there.
It started with football fields
and OnlyFans
and AA meetings with vanilla frosted donuts
sitting on a table in the back of the room,
which is weird because I only drink once a week.
The part of my brain that knew
it was dreaming thought to itself:
“I should pick up some donuts
before Alex leaves for work.”
Yet I stayed in my bed, comatose,
during that part of the morning
before the world exists.
She left me in her basement
in a guest bedroom
with white carpets
and unpainted drywall,
a dusty old
green and gold yearbook
at the foot of the bed.
Kaiti went upstairs,
her mom slept in the room
across the hall from me.
The lights were out when I arrived.
I woke up during the night,
rummaging through my backpack.
Her mom came in and said:
“I don’t like it when people get out of bed without asking. If you need something, ask me.”
So I went back to sleep.
When I woke up again
I was sharing the bed with
about a dozen cicadas.
I sat up and studied one;
all I could think of
was the crunching sound
of it’s folded glass wings
when any amount of weight
was placed on top of it.
It made me uneasy.
I went to Kaiti’s mom
and asked if she’d pick the cicadas
off the bed for me.
She came back into my room
took away one or two,
and left the rest buzzing
and sleeping on my bed.
I asked about the others.
She stood in the doorway
and said to me:
“Look at the shoes I’m wearing.”
they were dark brown Mary Janes.
“I’ve been wearing the same pair of shoes since high school.
You don’t need more than one pair of shoes.
I don’t expect too much out of life.
Neither should you.”
Then she closed the door
and left me with the cicadas.
FREEDOM IN SECURITY
Emily Hughes
to be tied down
yet i am the anchor
“be damned structure!”
yet i am the pillars.
running into chaos,
i run from it
you harness the storm
and i try to calm it.
i build on rock
and you build on the sand
just to see what it’d be like
to be swept away by the tides
and most times
sometimes
you build nothing at all
because four walls and a door
too much resemble a prison.
and if i am the prison you fear?
the one you’ve fought so hard
and so long against?
and when you succumb
to my touch
and realize too late
the roof is caving in.
wish to build you fire
but i am too afraid
to watch your shadow
leave my side
GRAVE ROBBER, CRADLE ROBBER
Emily Hughes
To heal
i believe i must mourn
the little girl
you stole from me.
i must lay to rest
the shining,
bright little star
i once was
in order to resurrect her.
you never touched me
without my consent.
but you raped my ability
to be human,
to be more than dust.
and still you hold
a strand of my hair.
as if it is yours to keep.
and not in love
not in romance.
but with the hope, the intent,
to control me again.
and from a sea apart
you still do
merely through my fear to fall
for a beautiful and heavenly, strong man.
a Man you could never resemble.
how much longer am i supposed to let you
control me?
my decisions?
my ability to love someone
who of which you have one thing in common
a vital thing then, a trivial thing now.
true richness is found in experience,
i can’t afford to let you rob me.
LOVING NAIVE
Emily Hughes
how is it different?
how is it different?
haven’t you been here before?
heard the same sounds,
seen the same sites,
made the same mistakes?
but to you i ask
how can you compare
mountains to valleys?
the mighty lion to the young cub?
how can you ask me
if i’ve seen these things before,
and that they’ve hurt me?
you bring my attention to the scars
on my calves,
my chest,
my arms.
where the edges of the valley
cut and carved me.
we have to fall
to learn how to climb.
falling is never in the right place.
at the right time.
but when i scraped my way out,
of the pit that held me,
i grew strong enough to climb
the mountain that believes me.
that my loving is not naive.
that i know my footing.
and these ledges do not hurt me,
but give me rest, shelter
from the ash of the valley
that bellows with fire,
meaning to consume.
one to trap.
the other to set free.
i wish i could show you
just how very, very different
these things are to all people.
not just me.
LIVESTREAM
Jennifer van Vegten
They didn’t know what hit them
As they were making
Their way
Side by side
The two men walking
Were almost inside
When they instantly died
pop pop
In each of their heads
The gun was somewhat quiet
And they fell down
Barely making a sound
Broad daylight
And passing cars.
The people inside
Beginning to realize their fate
Because of someone else’s hate
Its hard to say, but as the viewer
They made a mistake
“Get out!” I wanted to scream
To the screen
But it’s far too late.
Huddled together
In the next room over
They laid in the corner
Wishing it could all be over
Their final thoughts were brought to an end
A series of pops
Unleashed by its owner
In a matter of seconds it was all over.
The cameraman sees
A lone woman outside
She screams and turns back
But its just too late.
Another few pops and she’s down on the ground
She cried and she screams
“Help me, please-” \
But nobody stops
The cars pass by
Another few pops
And she completely stops
As his final fuck you
To the victims he never knew
He gets in his car and makes his escape
He drives over her body.
You can hear the growing
Sounds of sirens
But for many victims
The help will arrive just too late.
THE REFUGEE SERIES
Hope King
The Chance
The floors that held little feet
Are all dust, dirt, and crumbled concrete
The doors that welcomed so many to stay
Are now heaps of rubble and piles of clay.
My home is no longer a place of cheer
But of terror, loss, and mostly fear
They use explosions to show off their power
But they’re destroying my life by the hour
My husband was wounded and died in the end
To them he’s a number, but he was my love
and my friend
I hear of a boat that’s going to leave
Now is my chance; no time to grieve
I can’t wait for change, I have to go find it
The risk is great, but I have to try it.
The Boat
The sun has finally risen;
it’s today A chance of new life is minutes away.
I give my loved ones a final good-bye
A last look at my country, and I start to cry
I climb in a small and overly crowded boat
Hoping my dream will stay afloat
I hold my child close to me
As we take on the waves across the sea
With hundreds on board, there is little to no room
If the boat goes under, the sea is our tomb
Thousands have died in front of me
Trying to find hope, but taken by the sea
Days pass by with even longer nights
But then I see hope with a glimmer of light
We made it to the shore of a foreign land
I step off the boat and onto the sand
Strangers surround me with a language unknown
Hundreds beside me, but I feel completely alone
For now I can breathe because I’m far from the war,
But deep in my heart I know the journey is more.
The Journey
My legs are tired and my feet are sore
Miles we’ve been walking and there is much more
Every step is a dagger in my side
I want to give up, but I have to have tried
My child deserves better than the life he has had
So for him I’ll keep wandering like a hopeless nomad
We make it to the border and pitch our tent
To stay here long would be our lament.
The rain comes down and continues to pour
Everything is now soaked and mud is our floor
Sickness spreads throughout the camp
'Cause we live in close quarters and everything’s damp.
I stand in line for hours a day
Just trying to get soup and keep sickness at bay
News advances that the border might close
But we’ve come all this way with nothing to show.
They say we have to leave before the dawn
But where to go? My home is gone.
THE APOLOGY I WISH I COULD GIVE
Jennifer van Vegten
The beeps and clicks
Bring me to a halt.
The whirling hum of their motorized chairs
Bring tears to my eyes again and again.
Looking again for ways to escape,
The all too familiar sounds that wheelchairs make.
These strangers I see
Bound to chairs like he used to be,
Unknowingly leave me
Little
And stricken with grief.
There is no hatred or malice
Towards those who remind me
But I can’t bear the sounds
Of the roll of their tires.
I wish I did not relate
These sounds
To my dad who hated
His chair and longed to be
Free.
“Its nothing personal”
I say to myself
As I gather my things
To leave the room.
I just wish I could say
That it’s not with hate
That I flee so suddenly from the sight of you
Its just the hum of your chair
The roll of the wheels
The clicks and the beeps
Remind me too much
Of my father who now
Can no longer use his.
To greet me, to smile,
To plant a kiss on my cheek.
I never thought I
Of all beings
So successfully raised
By a paraplegic
Man, who I adored.
Would hide from the sight
Of others who sit In motorized chairs.
I know how I look as I rush out the door
Of every room you enter
Its too hard to explain
But please understand
These words I’ll never say aloud.
This is the apology that I wish I could give you.
ANXIETY IS
Joey Ruddy
Anxiety is my Uncle Ron peering over at me, across the table
Eyes half open, glass half empty
Still pissed as all hell at God knows what now
-Are you a man or not-
The slurred words ride upon a wave of garlic and vodka,
And join with the burning smoke from his Romeo y Julieta cigar
The smell, I shrug off
The words hit with hurricane force ferocity
His face, gray worn, loose - in short, lived in.
Mine still young enough that along my forehead
Acne has not yet given ground
I have not lived.
And as much as I resent thinking again of Ron´s stinking drunk face
As I fall asleep tonight in my parent´s home where I have lived on and off for 20 years
I am jealous of him
And I am anxious about seeing him again and still have nothing new to report
Concerning romance or adventure or trouble
Just the same tired phrases and the same shrug of the shoulders And my face burning hot with shame.
LAX IN FAITH
Joey Ruddy
Thursday morning, coffee´s warming, questions pollute prayer
And then my legs start tingling and it throws my meditation off
Restless thinking, racing like the cacophony of commotion commuting one hundred feet below my window
(No, the world don´t stop / now you´re in real life)
Pandemic´s slowed most things down but not early morning traffic on Lake Shore Drive
Nor my mounting worries, nor my suspicion that I am guilty of not doing enough.
Today, I know I will be met with blank stares and black screens,
I will be given half-assed, or worse, cliched responses to discussions and prompts I´ve crafted and lost sleep over
Thoughts I had thought so clever, so perfectly manicured, so well researched and rehearsed
Won´t convince Kevin or Sam or Tina to start their video and share their beautiful, bleary faces with me,
So that we may breathe new life into these endangered verses,
No.
I am speaking in an empty room, to images, not people.
I could just upload a link.
Could just post a lame, lukewarm discussion prompt
Could just give everyone an A or a pass, however they choose
Regardless of the merit of their work
Could just say fuck it.
Fuck all the administrators and board members and politicians and parents and kids
And piss on my computer and hole up in the closet
I could pack all my books and pens, chewing gum and instant coffee pods into a suitcase and roll it all into a river
But then the tears wetting my pillow, and my throat ragged and burning
Would not be from fear of getting sick,
Or for racial injustice
Or corrupt politicians,
Or nuclear war,
Or wildfires,
Or Yemen,
Or Beirut.
No.
I would weep that this new generation would never know
The joy of reading and discussing the work of Beth Ann Fennelly.
STUCK RIGHT NOW
Mark Carroll
I can hear you crying in the other room,
But when I try to comfort you, you turn away. And I can't find the words to say.
We try so hard to make this house our home. It's not complete without you whole.
I know you're feeling stuck right now.
We'll make it work somehow...
We've got the kind of love people talk about. The fight it takes to win when you're down and out. The strength it takes to stand up, scream, and shout... Not today...
Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
I know you get so sad cause you can't save them all. You try every day to make it possible.
Your heavy heart, I can't catch you when you fall. I can only stand beside you behind this wall.
I know you're feeling stuck right now.
I know we'll make it work somehow...
We've got the kind of hope people talk about. The fight it takes to win when you're down and out. The strength it takes to stand up, scream and shout... Not today...
Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
Believe me... I won't let you fall...
Believe me... Nothing's impossible...
As long as you know...
We've got the kind of heart people talk about. The fight it takes to win when you're down and out. The strength it takes to stand up, scream and shout...
Not today...
Oh, we're going to stop the rain. Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
Oh, we're going to stop the rain. Oh, we're going to stop the rain.
THE LONELY SINGER
San Juana Ballesteros
A dance never-seen-before Across such sweet chords Fingers strumming and plucking Against the old guitar
Slowly her voice began to weave A siren’s call of loneliness Daring sailors to come close Near sharp cliffs
Full of Nostalgia
Full of old and greater times
Lonely singer
Whose fingers dance
Whose voice weaves
Eyes telling tales
Behind glimmering shimmers Holding alight a past
Only she knows
Lonely Singer
Whose eyes tell us stories Began slowing her call, her dance
Curtains pulling across
Milk-coffee Mien
Voice wavering
No longer calling
Her fingers slowing their tempo
Taking with it
The Lovely Singer’s Past
MY BEST ENEMY
San Juana Ballesteros
My best enemy, my worst friend,
I for one am sick of him
Of who? You ask
You know who? Of that simpleton
The mellow thrice-damned fellow
With Lust to cater, Wings to give Desire
Worst of all Love to ignite Fire
Oh Cupid who is blind
Whose Bow and Arrows have left me in a bind
At times even more than just a bind
That damned Cupid, I swear
With his silver tongue, and quick shots
Whisper in my ear, True Love
As such I am pierced,
Never taking notice that I was the only one
Oh I swear one day I’ll get him
Lend him to Juno, (Whose husband has been around)
Perhaps Ceres, who is still quite upset
(They say her daughter became queen of the dead)
Oh you Brat I hope they break your sticks,
Along with that treat you with chains and whips
To keep such sweet revenge for eternity
I’ll even ask Minerva to have it painted
You feathered brat whose aim was true
I hope simply one day to catch you,
You, my dearest Best Enemy.
SCOPOPHOBIA
Katie Schell
What’s the opposite of an acquired taste?
I stand with my chin tucked, ration my glances
On day one each is applauded
Held dear
But admiring cracks in porcelain dolls
Is only fun until you notice we stare back
From our places up on dusty slanted shelves
Pedestals are never built on level ground
Feet slide eventually, knuckles go slack
I squeeze but the glances spill out
And the warmth of them hits you like fire
Do you think your recoils invisible?
They loop in my mind at half speed
Glass pupils are reflective, and only ever welcome
Til you take one step too close and see yourself
So you each back away
Supposing you’re the only one
As if that fear is unique
As if my view of the world isn’t a series of frightened turning heads While I scramble to apologize
To lower my temperature
To climb back on the tilted shelf again
But I can’t say I blame you
I spent years dancing out of the male gaze
Now I miss it
It was so much more forgiving than my own
When I find myself in front of a mirror
It burns me too
BABY
Laura Anastacio
Wedding photos,
a unity cross,
two hearts exploding with love.
A young woman,
a young man,
in a home built for three souls.
One dog,
two cats,
a home full of warmth.
A bump,
a heartbeat,
the second bedroom with a crib.
Sun setting,
humming,
the lamps go dim as they crawl under the silk sheets.
Thunder strikes,
rain pours down,
the young woman sits up quickly in bed.
Dark skies,
bloody thighs,
a face in agonizing pain.
Empty car seat,
Empty arms,
a silence that’s numbing.
Tear stained pillows,
ghastly cries,
a ghostly figure wandering the halls.
A rocking chair,
A teddy bear,
She cuddles the bear, rocks, and stares blankly at the walls.
Time flies,
days skip ahead,
heart shaped pieces start mending back together.
Eyes dry,
sniffles clear up,
they hold each other tight, looking to the sky.
A rainbow appears and a weight starts to lift off their burdened chests.
WHERE I'M FROM
Laura Anastacio
I am from plastic character place mats found underneath our rollaway microwave stand,
from an electric can opener below our kitchen cabinet
and over-the-door mesh organizers where I placed all my barbie dolls. I am from the reddish-brown tree fort my father built us in our backyard.
(Yellow slide with a sandbox underneath,
soon to be all animal’s litterbox.)
I am from the flower garden in the backyard,
filled with impatiens, pansies, and marigolds.
I am from the Bradford Pear tree in the front yard my mother planted, where in the spring flowers bloomed like snow.
I am from action figures and baby dolls,
from Aunt Rose and Grandma Mildred.
I am from the, “Don’t wish your life away,”
and the, “Your father let you go far again.”
I’m from the Kansas City Plaza during Christmas,
where every building is lit with Christmas lights,
every child is squealing with excitement to meet Santa Claus,
and Nat King Cole plays on the sidewalk speakers.
I’m from two-week family camping trips
to the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore, Harper’s Ferry, Gettysburg.
I’m from Gambino’s pizza on Friday movie nights with family,
to Cicadas and their loud music in the warm summer evenings.
I am from a Minnie Mouse canopy bed my father built me
for when I became a big girl and needed a big girl bed,
where I later hid bubble gum wrappers underneath
because I had glued-in retainers
and wasn’t allowed sticky treats. I am from a place where everyone greets you like a long-lost friend
with a big cheesy smile
and a warm bear hug.
I am from Lee’s Summit, Missouri.
THIEF
Nathan Yockey
Antlers of beige and brown lay on blood speckled ground, green. In the summer sunshine they seem
Magnificent, tall and wide with four points on each side.
A deer with a black tail and bright orange hide
That was in the right place at the wrong time, at the wrong end of a rifle of mine.
I sat back with the rack in my lap, thinking about how great this trip had
been And all the tales to be told when
I got back because I had to stretch the story,
as every great hunter does.
But my speculation ceased when something let out a grunt and began clicking its teeth.
The face of a sal,
a black bear thief.
In the trees on its hind feet taking a peek.
Nose thick and brown, eyes dark, wide and looking down
At me sitting with the deer I had found.
Away no more than 10 yards,
Blinded by hunger she began to charge.
Paw over paw her long claws dug
into dirt and leaves,
Breath steaming, red-stained teeth gleaming. Savage,
Fixated on the meal she was set to steal.
I threw the horns off me and dove for the grip of my trigger
I turned back to her, a stone’s throw away and only getting bigger.
Still on the ground I fired, the shock blasted
Down my toes and shook my feet.
She was so close that I could hear, like a clogged hose,
Her punctured lung struggling to breathe
With a bleeding hole in her sternum she stumbled at me still
Driven mad by her urge to eat and kill.
I grabbed the bolt, and out flew the smoking shell that did the deed, She swayed back and forth as blood ran down her own teeth
I pushed the bolt back and pointed at the bear at arm's reach.
And the second shot put down the beast.
The bear and I both collapsed,
“Not today” I said up at the sky,
Because surely God had wagered the Devil
For me to die. Then,
Like the creak of an old rocking chair, an echo from a nearby tree broke The silence behind me and the bear.
I looked up
And old gambling lucifer smiled at my sin
Because the sound I had heard were that mother
bear’s next of kin.
A good mother was all she was trying to be,
Then I realized the only thief on that mountain, was me.
Mother and childhood stolen,
Two corpses around me, one charcoal
and the other golden
Two baby bears on that tree holding.
Two more shots cracked out as I emptied my gun,
And the Devil
walked me down the mountain
As I hiked toward the setting sun.
SO MANY LIVED WHERE I'VE BEEN ON TRIAL
Teagen Petersen
Always being watched, but never being seen
I've become a catalyst for your big breakthrough
Meant to solve all your problems, to carry you on my shoulders
That way you'll never run out of breath, filled with so many words
And you love the sound of your voice, you love that I listen
Don't worry, I'll remain an illusion for you to pass right through
A mystery, so you can feel superior, like you’re the center of the universe
I try to be unobtainable, I prefer to be unused
But you're a charmer and my loneliness has clouded things
You're just another victim blinded by me
You can't get past the mask, can't stop staring at yourself in the mirror
I'm starting to realize I have snakes for hair
That I'm the true charmer in relationships
And I don't even have to speak, my energy draws you in
It's a dance that I lead and it comes naturally
I didn't mean to poison you, there's nothing perfect about me
I'm simply a human being, but you claim me as your savior
There's nothing holy about me, how dare you decide who I am
Your assumptions are more venomous than the truth could ever be
I became a bitter apple that you bit into
Unable to control the vomiting, you blame me for your sensitivity
How was I supposed to know I'm cursed?
A wise woman, a vixen that belongs to the night
You've only ever lain with me when you were lying
There was no bed and there was no garden
I remain in the forest, in the wilderness
And yet you keep me in your head as a fantasy, as a creature to cage
So I growl and I bite back in response
But that's when they grab their pitchforks and torches
They were waiting for a reason to burn me
You led me straight to the pyre, led me in chains
I still don't speak as they spit at me, but you smile
The flames have only ever been nice to me, so very welcoming
Nature never judges, it just is
You'll never become a king if you believe you're a god
You'll rot like the rest of them, whereas I'll be reborn.
HOW CAN I ACCEPT WHO I AM IF THEY HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED ME
Teagen Petersen
I cry and I cry and I cry, endless oceans from my eyes
My inner child is screaming inside: nowhere is safe
They even took nature away
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe -- they’re suffocating me The masks are metaphors: I’m being kept in a box, in a cage of expectations
To follow the rules and the regulations, but I can’t be me if I follow in their footsteps
If I stay in line, 6 feet apart; never to connect to another human being ever again
I can’t speak, I can’t speak, I can’t speak -- they’ll never understand me
I mumble and I mutter, I stumble and I stutter, I trip and I fall and there is no one to catch me
Just empty hands: always taking, taking, taking
Mouths that talk and talk and talk, but don’t ever heal -- they don’t listen They wouldn’t notice if I disappeared one day, if I packed up my things and became a tree
They have never been able to see how I carry the Earth, how I carry my heart
It’s heavy, but it’s who I am
So please let me be, let me be, let me be
I need to be free to shift and change with the wind
I’m not just a body -- I’m also a soul, so don’t just glance
Don’t look at me if there’s only disgust, if there’s only fear
So full of assumptions and judgements
This needs to be unconditional, it needs to be love
No more acting and reacting and consuming until everyone drowns
Until everyone bursts and there is only dust left
And there’s no coming back this time around, who would want to after what you did?
All I can do is sleep, to walk around in my dreams
Because someone’s pounding on my head and my heart
I have to hold my inner child so tight, no one else will
There’s only storm after storm, wave after wave crashing on the shore But it’s always been this way with her, I shouldn’t have left her alone Silent for too long, we raised ourselves and now we want to sing
To see the stars without being watched
Watched to make sure I have my mask on, when I’ve spent the past year pulling off pieces
It was super glued on -- my smile
I knew my role all too well, played it perfectly
Force fed lines only to throw them back up in pristine condition
That’s how they want me to be: a copy of their societal dreams
A part of the community and PG-13
Have to look pretty on paper and for the press or else no one gets paid
I kept myself locked away because there was no one to trust with the key But I told myself I wouldn’t do that this year
But there they are, with their thermometers and staring eyes
There’s fog for me, hot air and constant adjustments
Fidgeting around with paranoia until we become pals
Just wipe everything down, that’ll make the problem go away
Erase it through sanitization even though we can’t cleanse our minds
And we can’t cleanse the past with today’s anger.